Vocalizing Thoughts

By believing that a problem even exists, you’re creating a problem.

When I’m desperately scavenging for food I’ll sometimes confuse my spoon for a shovel and indulge in anything that’s conveniently consumable. “Calorie counts”, “added preservatives”, and “nutritional value” becomes a foreign language to me. Hunger: such an obnoxious calling that overpowers all thoughts of rationality and self-control. I almost feel possessed when the inner savage longing for immediate self-gratification takes over. I enter my relationship with food knowing that feelings of satisfaction are only temporary and will soon expire. I’m merely a puppet to the nagging desires of my stomach and its calling claws deeper and deeper with further resistance. Mortality begins its route with a slight jog and progresses downhill into a sprint as forceful neglect seeps into the night.

The dormant gam3r within me abruptly awoke when Blizzard Entertainment finally released the highly anticipated StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty. After my transaction went through, I stood there wondering when I’d next experience the word “Approved”. Excelling in Real-Time Strategy probably has zero benefits to my Real-Life Strategy but let’s face it: I’m hooked! My addiction to StarCraft and Brood War first developed in grade 6 when the Internet itself was a fairly new phenomenon. It’s funny—and quite sad—to see how history has a way of repeating itself. If you’ve recently committed yourself to B.NET again, cheers to another long phase of being painfully single. Hello StarCraft II, goodbye boyfriend. Colon. Open Bracket.

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From top to bottom, left to right: Al Green, Barry White, Billy Paul, Marvin Gaye, Whitney Houston, and Luther Vandross. These six artists were first introduced to me at a very young age and words can’t describe the powerful impression it had on my soul. I obviously couldn’t relate to the adult content (for example: “Let’s Get It On”) but feeling the raw instrumentals and the passion in their vocals made my heart stir. I remember the exact moment when I fell in love with Rhythm and Blues.

In fear of being misunderstood, I felt compelled to elaborate on my previous post. When I mentioned my lacking ability to express any praise or admiration for another, I was solely referring to complimenting people’s physical appearances since my focus is more sensitive to a person’s abilities, mannerisms, and comments/thoughts. Quite frankly, when it comes down to my personal relationships, their outward appearances are of no concern to me.

But then…
Why am I constantly finding myself in situations where I’m being directly criticized for my exterior features? I’m flattered, of course, when people recognize any cosmetic/garment/accessory changes but what you see is NOT what you get. Initially, these critical “attacks” on my appearance seemed threatening to my reputation but if superficiality is where they’ve drawn their conclusions, our affiliation can remain on a superficial level. I could spend this lifetime defending myself and rewriting my first impressions but ultimately, I am powerless to people’s opinions. Please don’t take offense if I’m unable to recognize your new < insert item here > or your < insert accomplishment here >. I was distracted by your personality with hopes of getting to know you better—you know, below the surface.

If I could give you the world on that silver platter
Would it even matter? You’d still be mad at me
If I could find in all this a dozen roses
That I would give to you, you’d still be miserable
‘Cause in reality, I’m gon’ be who I be
And I don’t feel no faults for all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may, bring me down but I say
That it ain’t up to you, gonna do what you do

Hate on me, hater
Now or later
‘Cause I’m gonna do me,
You’ll be mad baby
Go ‘head and hate on me, hater
‘Cause I’m not afraid of
What I got, I paid for
You can hate on me

— Originally by Jill Scott

“I’ll only be in a relationship if he/she does not…

1. Interfere with my career path.
2. Interfere with my independence.
3. Interfere with my friendships.
4. Interfere with my hobbies.”

When did affection become so conditional? People are becoming so self-concerned and unable to see outside of their own needs. Has this day and age created a division between one’s personal life and one’s relationship with a significant other? The ideal relationship seems to resemble the same functions as my BlackBerry: convenient, organized, and efficient.

Some people believe that finding your soul mate is somewhat of a probability game; creating multiple opportunities for yourself will further increase your chances of finding “the one” and falling in love. If the immediate response isn’t to your liking, just move onto the next one and see where that ends up. But if that’s your half-assed attempt to finding your special man/woman, you’re probably going to end up with a half-assed relationship. Have some perseverance and a little bit of faith—I heard it works.

What would you do to get to me?
What would you say to have your way?
Would you give up or try again
If I hesitate to let you in?
Now would you be yourself or play a role,
Tell all the boys to keep it low?
If I say “no” would you turn away
Or play me off or would you stay?

And if at first you don’t succeed
Then dust yourself off and try again

I’m into you, you’re into me
But I can’t let it go so easily
Not ’till I see whether this could be
Could be eternity or just a week
A-Yo our chemistry is off the chain
It’s perfect now but will it change?
This ain’t a “yes”, this ain’t a “no”
Just do your thing, we’ll see how it goes

Generally speaking, the word on the street is that Jin tha MC, formerly known as the Freestyle Champion from BET’s Freestyle Friday’s, has gone to Hong Kong to pursue his career as a “Christian rapper”. Does a shout-out to God every now and then automatically categorize the music’s genre as “Christian/Gospel”? I don’t know if that title’s even necessary to state but I definitely respect the message he’s sending out. I’ve followed his battles week after week, bumped to every track he released under RR, and even memorized some of his verses back in the day. I commend this artist for his bold attempts in spreading the Word and especially his courage. Here’s someone who refused his opportunity to indulge in the mainstream with all of its “gloriousness”. Only recently am I able to appreciate and acknowledge how Jin, back in the day, was memorizing all the wrong verses—verses that landed him fame, record deals, money, and girls. Those sound great and all but how does that compare to the riches promised in the Kingdom? A-YO Jin! Tell ‘em what’s really good!

For a large portion of my life, I’ve treated the construction of my identity like building an empire. I felt possessive over my territory, the details of every corner were recognizably mine, and any new developments were my projects alone. Sharing my identity was out of the question. I considered any imitations of my characteristics and abilities as threatening to my individuality. Only recently am I discovering the solitude and pointlessness of constantly reinventing myself and having this “edge” over the people surrounding me. If this life is on loan to me, why should I constantly long for accomplishments that only benefit myself? How is my originality benefiting others? I ask myself these questions but before I can share a piece of myself to another, a level of comfort needs to be established between recognizing my traits—both good and bad—and embracing them. If everyone in the world just absorbed their experiences, I’m convinced that little growth would take place. Sharing is caring! Little did I think my identity was something worth contributing.

I sometimes find compliments to be a burden. It may have something to do with my scarce attempts to distribute them. Does that make me a bad person?